New Beginnings

I love a new beginning.  A new week, month, even each new page in my journal seems to hold so much promise.  I like the idea that anything is possible if I can just get a fresh start.  The problem with fresh starts is that they don't actually begin on my calendar or on a new piece of paper.  The challenge is that a clean slate begins in my mind, with my thoughts and there lies the difficulty for me.

My mind, perhaps like yours, refuses to acknowledge that I've decided to begin a new page and it sweeps in like a mighty gust of wind and flips back to the previous chapter or even the one before that.  It takes out its  fluorescent hi-liter and underlines all the failures, flaws and fears that I am determined to whiteout in my "new me" sequel.  And if the written words were not damaging enough, my mind holds up those pictures on the previous pages reminding me of my "less than" self.  The self that bought two boxes of chocolate covered raisins (one each for the next two days) and ate both before the key was even in the ignition of the car.  The self that wants to become a strong flexible yogi, then attends only the meditation and and rejuvenation yoga classes which involve mostly lying flat on the mat.  The self that wants to be the best Nana to her grandchildren but feels too exhausted by the end of the week to take them overnight..... ugh  The self that was determined to age gracefully, with acceptance and inner beauty and who winces at the washed out self that stares back at me in the mirror some days.

Okay these are not criminal activities, they are not mean spirited or hurtful to anyone, well anyone except myself.  But I do long to learn the previous lessons and then run them through the paper shredder.  I long to look ahead without my mind yanking me back to yesterday or freaking me out about tomorrow.

Has my daily 12 minute meditation helped? Yes.  Does the yoga help? Yes, and yet I still struggle.  Struggle to be the version of myself I long to be.  Struggle to balance my longings with my real self.  Struggle to be the kind of mom, nana, sister, aunt, daughter, cousin and friend I want to be.

So it's the first week of May, a new month and a new season.  I am going to consider May my may month;
may I try again, may I be more disciplined, may I leave yesterday behind, may I choose wisely how I live,
may I use my time and gifts to bring joy, above all may I be loving.

Thank you for stopping in today at My Turquoise Kettle Life.

May your day be special,

Sandra