I'm Home

In so many ways I think that I've always been searching for home.  As a little girl I would often imagine that my bedroom closet, which was narrow and very deep, was my home.  Behind the row of hanging dresses and blouses I created a cozy, secluded nest for myself where I could draw and dream.  One of my favourite things to draw where cross-sections of ant homes with their narrow tunnels leading to an ant kitchen, bedroom and playroom.  I could visualize how safe and secure an ant might be tucked away underground in her little refuge.

As I outgrew the limited space of my closet, my bedroom became my haven.  My mother gave me the freedom to decorate as I chose, allowing me to choose paint and wallpaper.  I went through a phase where I Mod-Podged newspaper onto all the accessories of my room and another where I painted a full wall mural of a tree and a hippie (I know, I know!!).

I loved the security of my room.  Behind the closed door.  I could relax, I could think, I could sit and listen to the crackly songs from a tiny grey transistor radio.  As a teenager I could take my inevitably cranky self away from the concerned faces of my parents and be miserable and vent onto the few lines offered in a fabric covered lockable diary.

I wonder now if I was drawn to study interior design less as creative expression and more as a longing to create a home. Forty years later I think, yes, that was always it.  I've longed for the safety, security, freedom and relaxation of being truly home.  And I've wanted to help others find it too.

A quiet corner for crochet

 I've been married, married with children, single with children, married with children and other people's children and now I live alone.  In every case I've longed to create a home, a refuge for myself and my family.  I've painted and fixed up and sewn curtains and chosen furnishings.

 But I'm realizing more and more that while I craved a refuge from the world I also craved a refuge from those I lived with.  I need a lot of solitude to offset the effects of being surrounded by others, even those I love.  A few years ago I wrote a post about work."leaving the work place".  Now I realize it was never work itself that was the issue, it was that working meant I lacked solitude, I was surrounded at work and at home, there was simply no possible way to have enough time alone. I felt trapped and not working afforded me a way to be alone while my family left for the day.

This explains, I think, my near giddiness on mornings like this one when I wake up and notice the gauzy bedroom curtains lifting and falling against the morning breeze, how the predawn lightness fills my room and turns the wooden wardrobe a honey-yellow, how even the outdated blush-pink tiles of my 1963 bathroom are absolutely beautiful and perfect.  It helps me to understand why I am moved to tears, yes, actual tears with gratitude for this house, this brick and mortar building has been my home for nearly 25 years.  But at a deeper level I'm moved to tears with gratitude for this life, this single life, a life that is beautiful and (mostly) feels balanced with a mix of working and socializing and then the sheer delight of coming home to the hushed solitude, a cool refreshing oasis from the world.  A place where I am relaxed.  A place where I can be still and know, know that God has me and that I finally have a soft place to fall in a sometimes harsh and overwhelming world.

Thank you for visiting My Turquoise Kettle Life today.

I hope that you too find your home,

Sandra

Maybe an afternoon nap

Sometimes a day off on a rainy Monday is a true gift.  My mood matched the weather today so once the lawn was mowed and the gardens weeded and the gentle drizzle of began,  I made a big cup of tea and tucked myself in under a quilt.  With my window open to hear the rain I settled into my self and accepted that today this was all I had to do; drink tea and nap.

Hours later with tea drunk and dreams dreamed I meandered around the gardens enjoying the vivid colours and droplets left by the showers.

Lily of the Valley

Dalia 

Do you ever find it difficult to give yourself the gift of real downtime?  I know I do, I  have a (long) list of chores and when I have a day off I want the satisfying feeling that comes from crossing off as many items as possible.  Today after my nap I woke to a sink of dirty dishes and a laundry basket still overflowing. Does that bother me? Yes, but for today that is going to have to be okay.

Thank you for visiting My Turquoise Kettle Life today.

May you give yourself permission to find a little rest this week,

Sandra

Mayhap ....

"Mayhap", an old English word from the mid 16th century summing up in one word the phrase, "it may hap" or "may it hap" (happen).  What better time to drag out this word and dust it off than on this Victoria Day weekend? (For those not familiar this is a Canadian celebration of Queen Victoria's birthday, May 24, 1819.)

This long weekend also officially welcomes in gardening season, prior to mid-May there is often the threat of frost and so gardeners are usually advised to hold off until the May long weekend to plant.  So it was that yesterday I found myself weeding, edging and generally puttering around my gardens filled with the hope that this will be the year I manage to keep abreast of the weeds and work that will let my flower beds reach their full and beautiful potential.

Forget-Me-Knots - a virtual carpet at the back of  my garden at this time of year

lush foliage and contrasting colours

I envision gently working in the newness of summer mornings easily eliminating a few unwelcome weeds, surrounded by glorious colours, dew tipped foliage and birdsong.  Yes, this will be the year for my romantic garden vision to come to life.  Because, unlike every previous summers when I suddenly found myself knee high in weeds in the sweltering mid-day heat of August surrounded by spiders so large they threaten to carry off my garden spade and flying inspects attacking my neck and ears, this summer I will have my act together, mayhap!!

Bleeding Heart - a gift from my father's garden

What do I base this hope on? Pure whimsy, wishful thinking and day dreams coupled with home decor magazine images of manicured properties, but that is fine because gardens like life don't have to be ideal and perfect to be appreciated and enjoyed.  I can side step the giant spiders and swat at the pesky insects, I can machete my way through the neglected bits of garden until I reclaim them.  I can shuffle plants from sun to shade as I encourage them to thrive and finally I can sit on the stoop with a cup of tea and admire my garden and the garden of my life for all of its beauty and colour, for its raggedy not-so-perfectness and its wild unpredictability.  I can continue to hope and work towards my full and beautiful potential and like my English ancestors I can proclaim that all is well with my soil and well with my soul.  Mayhap!

Thank you for visiting today at My Turquoise Kettle Life.

May all you plant blossom,

Sandra

Mother May I ?

Do you remember playing the game Mother-May-I as a child? In keeping with my theme this  month, "May I", I'm reflecting on Mother's Day.

I'm blessed to be a mom to two beautiful young women and to still have my own mom, she's 82.  My mother however wasn't so fortunate; her mother died a few days after she was born.  Her childhood was not rosy. In response I think she was determined to create a stable home for her own daughters.  She admitted that at times she felt at a loss, that because she lacked a role model she felt uncertain about motherhood.  But don't all moms, and those who fill the role of mom,  often feel that way?  I know I certainly did (and sometimes still do).

So today Mom may I say that you are a great mom.  May I say that I appreciate all the mundane tasks and sacrifices you made to ensure that we had a safe home, hot meals, clean clothes, vacations, dance classes, encouragement  and love.  May I tell you that you created for us many memories and may I remind you how much you are cherished and loved. Mother may I?

Thank you for stopping in at My Turquoise Kettle Life today.

May you have day full of appreciation,

Sandra

Emotional Contaminants - An Ounce of Prevention

Since in my previous post I've committed May to be my "may I ..." month, I'm going to post weekly in an effort to keep myself accountable.

The month of April was frustrating on the health front, not in any big way, just small annoyances.  But I can trace it back now to a single event.  If you think I'm off my rocker with this post, that's just fine, I'm going to share my thoughts regardless.

I met a work colleague for a coffee.  She's a lovely woman.  In the space of 90 minutes however she had told me about 15 years worth of negative things that had happened to her, her husband (a former employee of our employer) and others at the hands of our corporation.  I found during our coffee time that I wasn't even able to lean in to the conversation, I physically found myself sitting way back in my chair.

Now I know no one and no organization is perfect, but I had considered our company to be the nicest, most  responsible employer I have worked for to date.  I believed that my ideals lined up with theirs.  I am respected and treated very, very well.  Now I felt afraid.  I began thinking that I better be very careful, I better keep quiet, keep any suggestions, observations to myself.

I got home, I couldn't digest this information.  I ate a cracker, I choked on it, it got lodged in my throat.  I got it down but my throat hurt.  For a week I kept trying to peer down my throat.  I guess gaping down my throat so often (mouth ajar way more than normal, lol) I caught a bug, I got a sore throat, it turned into real laryngitis.  I had no voice. I felt anxious.  I got congested, developed a cold, it turned into a sinus infection, my eyes got infected.

Its almost comical isn't it?  Except it wasn't for me.  Not at the time. But when I traced it back to my coffee date it began to make sense.

 I am an adherent to the metaphysical belief about thoughts and energy affecting my health.  When I developed the laryngitis I looked up in my Louis Hay book, "Heal Your Body" the possible causes of laryngitis : "So mad you can't speak.  Fear of speaking up.  Resentment of authority."
Oh my goodness!!!  That was me exactly.  I was angry to hear that anyone may have been mistreated, afraid to speak up with new ideas of suggestions, and felt a fear of the authority of my employer!  Basically my body became blocked, nothing flowed, blocked voice, nose, sinuses.  I went to the clinic, and I began to heal.

Life is lovely when it flows from a place of trust

This weekend I felt really drawn to my prayer time, it was intense and wonderful and yes, there were tears (these are neither happy nor sad tears - they are just prayer-tears to me)  All the prayers and tears seemed to unblock something emotionally, spiritually and even physically (my sinuses!).  And then a funny thing happened, things flowed again.  My mood, my energy level, my thoughts.  I was able to spend time with people whom I love, fun activities presented themselves, shopping with my sister we discovered those perfect finds, even a wonderful creative opportunity arrived in my e-mail last night.

My take-away.  Be very careful what you expose yourself to.  What will I do if I find myself in that situation again?  I won't binge eat crackers!  I think I will try to find a quiet place and take some time to acknowledge what happened, to identify what about the encounter/situation upsets me, why am I feeling frightened, sad, anxious and remember that while a situation may require action it does not require me to be contaminated by other people's fears, anger.  I can throw a life preserver from the side of their cesspool, I don't have to jump in.

Thank you for stopping by My Turquoise Kettle Life today.

May you have a lovely day,

Sandra

New Beginnings

I love a new beginning.  A new week, month, even each new page in my journal seems to hold so much promise.  I like the idea that anything is possible if I can just get a fresh start.  The problem with fresh starts is that they don't actually begin on my calendar or on a new piece of paper.  The challenge is that a clean slate begins in my mind, with my thoughts and there lies the difficulty for me.

My mind, perhaps like yours, refuses to acknowledge that I've decided to begin a new page and it sweeps in like a mighty gust of wind and flips back to the previous chapter or even the one before that.  It takes out its  fluorescent hi-liter and underlines all the failures, flaws and fears that I am determined to whiteout in my "new me" sequel.  And if the written words were not damaging enough, my mind holds up those pictures on the previous pages reminding me of my "less than" self.  The self that bought two boxes of chocolate covered raisins (one each for the next two days) and ate both before the key was even in the ignition of the car.  The self that wants to become a strong flexible yogi, then attends only the meditation and and rejuvenation yoga classes which involve mostly lying flat on the mat.  The self that wants to be the best Nana to her grandchildren but feels too exhausted by the end of the week to take them overnight..... ugh  The self that was determined to age gracefully, with acceptance and inner beauty and who winces at the washed out self that stares back at me in the mirror some days.

Okay these are not criminal activities, they are not mean spirited or hurtful to anyone, well anyone except myself.  But I do long to learn the previous lessons and then run them through the paper shredder.  I long to look ahead without my mind yanking me back to yesterday or freaking me out about tomorrow.

Has my daily 12 minute meditation helped? Yes.  Does the yoga help? Yes, and yet I still struggle.  Struggle to be the version of myself I long to be.  Struggle to balance my longings with my real self.  Struggle to be the kind of mom, nana, sister, aunt, daughter, cousin and friend I want to be.

So it's the first week of May, a new month and a new season.  I am going to consider May my may month;
may I try again, may I be more disciplined, may I leave yesterday behind, may I choose wisely how I live,
may I use my time and gifts to bring joy, above all may I be loving.

Thank you for stopping in today at My Turquoise Kettle Life.

May your day be special,

Sandra

In Her Own Words

In my last post I mentioned some of the accomplishments that my eldest daughter Shannon had recently achieved.

As a youngster Shannon was headstrong and stubborn, determined to do things her own way.  In her early twenties she would work two and sometimes three jobs to support herself.  She partied, had begun smoking and worked hard and like many people, didn't  really care that she was burning the candle at both ends. Her eating habits were a dietitian's nightmare. Over the years she had gained a lot of weight and while her job required lots of walking, she had a very poor level of fitness.

This evening she is the guest speaker at The Runner's Room in Mississauga for the Learn to Run Clinic to inspire and motivate new members.

Here is her story in her own words:

I work a pretty high-stress job for a freight railway.  I am one of only two female Track Supervisors in Canada.  I manage a large group of employees to construct new railway infrastructure as well as clean up after derailments.  I'm on call for emergencies 24/7 and can be dispatched to parts unknown for as long as it takes to get the railway tracks operational again.

In 2011 I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and by 2015 I was told to forget about losing any of the extra 80 pound I was carrying around, the doctor said you will always be this weight.  In 2013 I was diagnosed with celiac disease another chronic condition that left me feeling defeated. 

Up until the last 12 months my diet consisted of cheese, breads, pasta and potatoes (preferably chips or fries), multiple coffees and a half pack of cigarettes a day.
Had you asked me about motivation, at that point in my life I would have replied that I was motivated to deliver 110% at work and then fall onto the sofa at the end of a long day with a bowl of chips.

In 2015 on a vacation in Africa I met a fellow traveler from London, England named Bhavini.  She suggested that we should do another tour together, perhaps to Peru to hike the Lares Trek.  I have no idea how she ever thought that at 80 pounds overweight, and a smoker, that I would be able to hike in the thin air (4,500 in altitude) of Peru. 

 I guess I like a challenge, so in preparation for the trip I quit smoking.  My boyfriend and I would go for walks and I remember the first time I said I was going to run to the corner.  I barely made it the 200 feet, I was out of breath.  My aunt had joined the Learn to Run clinic with the Running Room in Montreal and encouraged me to do likewise.  In May 2016 I joined the Learn to Run Clinic.

Learn to Run Clinic - Shannon's on the left in black

I honestly was so thankful when some of the other women in my clinic seemed to struggle as I did, it was a place that was safe and accepting of my level of fitness.  My instructors Praveen and Monika were fun and encouraging.  When I joined the Learn to Run clinic I started to look after the way I ate a little better as I learned that the way I ate affected how I felt during a run.  

Success in Peru

Well that was seven months ago I quit smoking, completed the hike in Peru and while some thought I would ago back to my bad habits, quite the opposite,  last week I hit my goal weight having lost 76 pounds, I  increased my stamina for running, and this year when Bhavini suggested we run a 10K together in London, England I didn't hesitate..... Race day is July 9th and my flight is booked.!"

Well done Shannon,
xo
Mom

Thank you for stopping by my Turquoise Kettle Life Today.

May you have an inspired day,

Sandra

Part II - Inspiration and Life Lessons

I realized when I wrote my previous post that I wanted to expand and give you some examples from my own experience but I also needed to ask permission from some of the people involved.  With that now given I can explain how recently I found  myself sandwiched between to situations.  In 2016 my eldest daughter set her sights on hiking a mountain in Peru, she knew it would require some life style changes to accomplish her goal.  She has a wonderful career in a high stress environment, she was a smoker and was carrying some extra weight.  She had been diagnosed with a thyroid condition that often left her exhausted at the end of her day.  Her food choices were limited: mainly potatoes, dairy and coffee from the drive-thru.

One of the reasons she has been so successful in her career is her determination (an understatement) to achieve her goals (or prove anyone wrong).  Taking that quality she quit smoking, lost a lot of weight, incorporated new healthy food into her diet, began running, working out daily and yes, she climbed that mountain!! Some (not I! ) thought she would return to her old habits once she returned, oh but not her, she continued to lose more weight, ran more, further, faster and ramped up her workout to 6-7 days a week.  She's a machine.  She looks amazing and feels wonderful!

I should have been motivated.  Should have been but wasn't really.  No, I don't want to incorporate chia seeds, or avocados, or do the twelve week bikini body workout, 5 km run, no; thanks anyway.

Then my mom, who is in her 80's had a couple of falls, nothing really serious, she didn't break any bones.  But she leads a very sedentary life and has lost most of the strength in her legs. She has had limited mobility for several years. She has never been into health or fitness, and  hasn't really been active since she stopped raising/chasing little children.  The falls left her bruised, sore and frightened and more limited than ever in her mobility.

This is the point at which I began to feel very, very motivated.  I began using my car less and walking more, I bought a skipping rope, increased up my regular a.m. yoga/resistance training.  I make sure I don't skip my yoga classes at the studio and I adopted an iron-clad morning routine of meditation, prayer, journaling and a 40 minute brisk walk. (goal to keep body, mind and spirit strong).

The happy ending to all of this is that my daughter is in amazing shape, is less affected by the stress of her job, her thyroid is stable.  I am feeling inspired and already reaping the benefits of being more disciplined.  And my mom?  The happy outcome is that she found a physiotherapist who has been very patient, he has encouraged her to regain her mobility, she is making great strides!  I also heard that at the end of her first session with this young man, he asked her if she had any questions.  "Yes", she said, "Do you already have a girlfriend?"  Oh my goodness MOM!!!  I guess whatever inspires her is good news.

Thank you for stopping by at My Turquoise Kettle Life today.

Wishing you a day full of good choices,

Sandra

Inspiration & Life Lessons

Inspiration  - 1. the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative. 2. the act of drawing in, specifically the drawing of air into the lungs.

Ice with Leaf  - Sandra King

Sometimes inspiration comes from watching ordinary people achieve extraordinary goals, overcome devastating circumstances or create breathtaking beauty in the arts and in life.  Sometimes though inspiration comes from the other side of life, seeing people struggle, fail and suffer as a result of their choices, behaviours and habits ( it being a result of their choices is the key here.)

For me noticing the negative consequences of people's unwise choices generally proves much more inspiring than reading about how athletes made it to world class or someone of humble beginnings created an empire in business. I like those success stories too, I am just more motivated to action from the negative.  

Am I alone?  I've seen people ruin their lives with substance abuse, debt, ignoring their physical or emotional needs, living falsely; and every time I ask myself, "What can I learn from them? What is my take-away?"  

Because let's face it, there is always a lesson; a lesson in the wonderful and in the devastating.  Our assignment is to find the lesson, the golden nugget and incorporate that truth into our own lives, to know better, to do better.  

My belief is that God doesn't waste anything, no exceptions.  Every circumstance that we experience or that we experience through the lives of another is fodder for learning, for gaining wisdom, for helping, for being transformed, for growth.  So when we experience the devastation of our own poor choices or witness negative consequences in the lives of others, let's not sink into despair or negative dialogue, instead when the initial shock passes, how much wiser to ask the questions that allow us to see the lesson and to be inspired to create positive change in our own circumstances and to encourage others.  Now that is a breath of fresh air!

Thank you for stopping by My Turquoise Kettle Life today.

Wishing you true inspiration,

Sandra

A Place of Peace and Kindness

Let's just take a couple of minutes and do something kind for ourselves.  I was in a yoga/meditation class this morning and the instructor guided us through a meditation that allows us to access that place inside of ourselves that is always peace-filled, always calm regardless of circumstances that may be whirling about us or within us.  It went something like this:

• Sit comfortably and let your breath flow naturally 
• Choose a place within your body where you can actually feel the breath on your inhale/exhale, a place where there is no tension.
• Can you discern what colour this place is?
• Can you attach an image to this place?
• Can you attach a memory to the image?
• Keeping this imagery in mind, we can return to this peaceful place in our body when we feel stressed, it will act as a way to anchor or root ourselves to keep balanced in life's storms.

We can handle life's unpleasantness more effectively and with grace when we know how to decompress and relax.

Find a quiet place of solitude

❤

 I've mentioned in previous posts the importance of treating ourselves with love and kindness, I think it bears repeating.  The relationship I have with myself is the most important one I will ever have.  Looking after my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical wellness allows me to be the very best version of myself.  The challenge is that it is important but doesn't always feel urgent. I get it, others' lives, problems and drama feels more urgent and yes there are always times when we put our agendas aside to help, encourage and rescue others BUT we should have a boundary.  We shouldn't give and give until we are depleted.  How do I know when I'm running on empty?  I feel resentful.  Resentment is the red light flashing on the dashboard of my life.  I used to ignore it, now I respect it.  I pull back.  I choose one day each week that is only for me; a massage, a yoga class, a walk, a cup of tea in front of the fire, a book, a nap.  When I return refreshed I feel the joy of helping others, of listening of caring.
I hope that you too can find a quiet pocket of time and space this week to unplug from the noise of other people's lives and to listen to that still small voice within you.  After all if your inner voice doesn't merit your attention, what does?

Thank you for stopping in at My Turquoise Kettle Life today,
May you have a peace filled day,
Sandra